I used to think that having "0 comments" means I'm a failure as a blogger. Then I realized zero is actually very close to 5 (comments) and - that all is relative. I thought perhaps people don't post comments on my blog, because I make perfect sense to them, because I do justice to every topic I tackle or because my views, though at times revolutional, are of understanding. That leaves the readers of this blog without much to actually comment. So everybody who is intelligent enough to understand the contents of this blog is at the same time careful not to appear as an attention-seeker who only replies by writing: "I agree with you most heartily."
Still, something seemed wrong. I thought that even while nobody felt quite up to the standard required for posting a comment, somebody would link to me. Somebody, surely, will recognize the worth of my words, the depth of my reflections, the seriousness of my tone and manner. Somebody will like what I write about and will (rest assured) try to share it with others.
It was then that I discovered Technorati's web links counter. I decided to try it immediately (still certain I'm about to find out how immensly popular I am), because I felt there surely must be someone who liked me even though I wasn't informed of anybody linking to my blog. Somebody likes me, yes, they do that. I am a likeable person. I thought if anything, this feels like winning.
While I waited for the server to process my url I crossed my fingers and whispered under my breath "It's not as bad as it seems - not really. You'll see." And even before I managed to utter the "you'll see" part, the next page appeared, which politely informed me that no (also equals zero in certain parts of the world) people link to me. There's not one link. Not a single one.
This is the end of the world. This means despair...
"Surely, there has to be a mistake." See, now, this is optimism. What a keen reader can learn from reading Bridget Jones. That and how to make a fool of yourself, but that's another story.
Getting your hopes up that anybody actually reads your blog is a hopeless business.. Even before I (again) entered the url to check how much money my blog was worth, I knew the sum would be small - around a dollar, perhaps - at most, five. But as already said, being an optimist can be detrimental to your health. I found out my blog was worth exactly $ 0,00. In other words: zero dollars. Not even a cent.
Having spent hours (that would by now perhaps amount to days) of my life working on this blog, I wouldn't earn anything if I decided to sell it now. Had I turned to begging and spent the same amount of time on the streets, I would surely have earned more than a dollar.
Only now did it dawn on me that all this didn't mean I was a failue as a blogger. It all, and I mean ALL, pointed to the fact that I was misunderstood. Seriously misunderstood and underappreciated. But - weren't all the greatest artists undervalued in their time? Van Gogh considered to be mental, Beethoven just a deaf fool, Newton seriously lacking social skills and the ability to smile? And look at what an integral part of our culture and science they're now. So, all is not too grim. I must focus on the positive aspects. At least there's a bright future for me.
And, incidentally, I would give up the life of material comfort (I know you wondered about this, so here it is - black on white) so my life's work and my name would go down in history as the woman who kept her blog, wrote a great deal, but didn't say much.
(More coming next week.)