The reality
A while ago someone mentioned in the comments that he'd like to read more about my experiences with (my) patients. The dilemma with writing about my patients is that I might divulge too much. Even if you leave out the names, one can always guess from other pieces of information I give. What I write about my patients differs from what you'd read in a medical journal - on the blog I don't care about heart rate, systolic blood pressure or dyspnea. I write (or would want to write) about people.
About a mother of three girls - all younger than 7 - who was recently diagnosed with lymphoma.
About a young man in his twenties, who kept going - having two jobs, helping in his father's workshop, studying at University, moving between flats - until he contracted a severe cold. Because the illness was so severe, he went to see his physician, who diagnosed the man with very severe leukemia.
About the sweetest man in his fifties - who is so very patient with us, students. He's been in the hospital for so long, he's basically our second mentor. I'll never forget how he helped me learn some skills which are essential for any basic physical examination.
About an older man, a farm-owner, who's been healthy all his life, who's worked all his life, but now has to be confined to his hospital bed many days in a month. I'll never forget how he told me - in the simplest words, but with a telling facial expression - about his grief, about his wife, who died a couple years ago. It was a secret exchange of thoughts between us - he spoke a language I understood - and he told me that he missed his wife so very much. It's not that he wasn't thankful - he had many friends, his children and grand-children often came to see him in the hospital - but he missed her still.
As you can see these are very personal stories. People confide in me, they tell me about their lives, their relatives, their own hopes and fears. And I feel I would be letting then down if I wrote (too) much of this on the blog. I don't think I can avoid it alltogether, - no. Since this is going to be an ever bigger part of my life, it is impossible to stay completely silent on the subject - what moved me, a recovery that filled me with happiness, a death that devastated me...
These stories, my patients are the best reminder I have. They tell me - without speaking - every day that regardless of how lost and sad I feel, I still control my life. I have no illness to hinder me, no medical advice to follow, no hospital bed to stay in. Whenever I feel like my life is worthless, I just need to talk to a patient to discover that my fears are nothing compared to theirs. Every time I realize just how much I have, how thankful I should be.
I wouldn't have written this if there wasn't a post on Hirkani's blog to remind me of the subject. To remind me that once a patient told me that in the previous night a patient on the bed next to his, died. He was afraid that he might be next in line. He said he had so much still to live for.
We all do. And we need to remind ourselves every single day of how happy we should be. Just how much life could still offer us. And we should be able to realize this even in the darkest times.
Labels: medicine
5 Comments:
Yes, we really do need to remind ourselves every day. And I do have kids with chronic diseases (allergies and asthma), but we only need to take medications and have severe diets, piece of cake with life struggles other people are facing.
BTW, there's nice blog from pediatrician and how he writes about his experiences: http://drfleablog.blogspot.com/
Hirkani, thanks for the link - will check it out soon! I'm interested in blogs, written by doctors, but the ones I read so far weren't that interesting. I'm really pleased to see you're so optimistic about your children. Were other people in your place, many would have despaired over the situation. It's good to see you have not. That's what I like about you. :)
Nadezdha, I had no choice. And I knew that beeing a victim is at no help to me or kids. So I've decided to inform myself, accept the situation and take what I have to build on that. It's not always easy and there certainly are bad days, too. Well, that's life.
As Hirkani says, there is no choice in this situations, when your children are sick, but sometimes you can find yourself in lack of energy, despreate and tired. We are just and only humans. And in such situation we have to find our last atome of energy and stand up again - for our children.
Hirkani and Gaby - I believe you always have a choice. You could have done what mothers who abandon or neglect their children do. But you chose not to. And choosing not to - again and again - is what perseverance is all about. And I believe that in order to persever you have to hope. And when you hope, there is always room for things to go better and for situations to improve.
Perhaps this was somewhat philosophical, but that's what the dying taught me. They hope that things will improve. Sure, they have their fears, their weak moments, when they feel like giving up, but eventually, they always choose to hope and try to go on and get healthy. and certainly, like you put it, Hirkani, you have to put enormous effort into it, and there are days when you feel like anything you do is worthless, but going on despite that is what I admire in people. I think that you never lose until you quit.
And Gaby, sure you feel tired sometimes - perseverance consumes a lot of energy - but you still keep going. Despite being only human. It's what I like in people.
I think I am over-explaining here, so I better be over and out. :)
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