Randomramblings

I can totally relate to 5 and 6.

Only in my case, I am completely different from everybody in my family, and they all tried to shape me their way. I know they did (and still are doing) it because they care and they want to somehow prepare me for life, but I've always felt the way you feel - that they don't like me the way I am but the way 'I should be'.

As for 5, well. In elementary school I was a model student, in high school I managed to kept my grades pretty high without to much hard work. I arrived in college and suddenly dropped in the middle average, despite lots of hard work.
All I can say is this: grades do not matter :) at least not that much. From your posts I got the feeling you're pushing yourself too much... I know I got much better grades if I studied less but approached the exam with less pressure than when I studied like crazy and went to the exam pressuring myself to get a high grade...
In your case, in my opinion, what matters is not your grades but how much you manage to learn stuff that you'll need for later. After all, your patients will not ask you about your grades but will only want you to cure them...
IMHO :)

ps. Nevertheless, I'm still very close to my family. I may not tell them about many things that go on in my life :) but I know I can always count on them for anything (except for them to stop shaping me...) and vice versa.

Reading this I can just say thanks to my paretns who at the end of elementary school told me to prepare that most probably I wouldn't be the best student in the highschool class anymore because everyone attending that high school was as good in elementary school as I was. When this didn't happen, they again tried to warn me that this would most probably happen when I went to university. I think this didn't make me expect to much and be later dissapointed when I wasn't always the best.

And, as Lilit said, grades don't matter much, and they are certainly not a good estimation of how good a doctor will be.

Lilit - then you're very much like me in this respect. I'm about the only one in my family who likes classical music, goes to concerts and to dance performances, sometimes even gets to see an opera. I like reading, going to museums, browsing through collections of paintings and am quite curious about the lives of famous artists. Nobody in my extended family is like that. Imagine what a shock it was to them when I said I want to dance ballet. :)

One of the biggest problems with number 5 is that in the begining of med school, I managed allright. Not content with moderate success, I swore to myself that next year, I'll be perfect. A very bad decision.

I over-exhausted myself to such a degree that my brain literally went on strike. It took me an hour to read a single A4 page and I could hardly remember anything. Exam time was approaching and still, I was just pushing myself harder and harder, not grasping what was happening. It took quite a nasty shock for me to realize that I was driving myself to insanity with that behaviour. If that hadn't happened, I doubt I would stop doing that to myself.

But ever since then I've been feeling deeply guilty and have been caught in a cycle of enthusiastic overwork and longer periods of procrastination and a deeply set feeling of paralyzing inability. Based on some tests, I might still be in the second (out of 3) phase of burnout - at the worst possible time, because again, exams are approaching.

I can and do count on my parents, but sadly I get the feeling that they will never accept my lifestyle or find in appropriate.

Tina - I'm not competing with fellow students anymore. I'm speaking just for myself. It's something that happened quite recently, and I have a hard time adjusting to it. If ever I thought of something as my forte, then that was academic achievement.

I understand what you mean, but getting a lower grade means you don't know as much as someone who gets a higher grade. Consistently getting lower grades means knowing less.

Omigod, what has the poor feminism ever done to you? Because you're an exceedingly clever and well-rounded person, I assume you don't mean that women shouldn't receive the same opportunities and payment for their work as men. If you mean women who go around proclaiming that "männer sind schweine", well, they're not feminists, IMO, but silly little girls who need to read a dictionary.

I could go on and on about how feminism does not preclude chivalry (which is really just good manners, and can just as easily be applied from women to men, women to women or men to men), how women who know how to change a car tyre or men who can iron their shirts aren't betraying their biological gender, but maybe I'd better let you get a word in edgewise. :-)

On the other hand, I can sympathise with being perfect. I can remember being 17, and being obsessed with perfection. It led me to the International Baccalaureate class where I burned myself out so badly I was the disappointment of the year when the "matura" results came back, but I pride myself on having gotten over that. :-)

No, Eva. I think feminism per se is a good thing. Equal opportunities all the way!

But according to my experience every woman who starts blabbing around (instead of doing something) how repressed women are and how terrible it is that there aren't many female politicians and oh, what bastards all men are... they just make my stomach churn in anger. Be the change you want to see in the world, for god's sake! Instead of just complaining and moaning, raise your sons so that they respect women and treat them equally, become a politician, raise awareness of women's issues etc. DON'T just talk. Which is what most women who consider themselves feminists do. And then they go back home and do the dishes so that their husband can watch football on TV.

Like all life's greatest lessons, I too (though I don't pride myself on that one) was once a very loud "feminist". Lesson learned. I don't feel the need to proclaim my views anymore, but rather I chose a boyfriend who supports me all the way and who - in your own words - doesn't mind ironing his shirts or doing the dishes.

I dislike women who basically introduce themselves as feminists, because they think they should be that but they behave in an obedient and subservient manner towards men.

Nothing wrong with a good, healthy measure of feminism, but I wouldn't put it in my CV anymore.

Hvala za zaupanje in počaščena sem.

Sem upala, da se bom izognila tej verigi, ko sem bila takrat ravno na dopustu so me prevečkrat pofočkali. :- )

No, obljubim, da bom resno razmislila in napisala. V naslednjih dneh (ali tednih) in prosim, da me na obljubo tudi spomniš. Trenutno res nisem v pravem razpoloženju, imam preveliko frko zaradi menjave službe.

Yeah, I understand what you mean. I just feel quite bad that I should be ashamed of espousing what is essentially a worthy goal because some people have had their preconceptions about feminism skewed.

I've had a woman tell me to "quit trying to be a man" when I said I assembled my own computers and that she'd never change a car tyre if there was a man nearby to do it, and how that kind of behaviour from women was the sign of unhealthy feminism. I've also been told that I obviously hate men because I objected to "you're a woman, you do the dishes". (Note - I definitely don't object to doing the dishes when it's my turn, I just object to being the default dishwasher because of my set of genitals. And, for the record, men have an equal right to object to being the default whatever.)

So I essentially try to explain to people what feminism is, that it's not the same as female quotas and man-bashing. So far, I've had limited success, but even limited is better than none.

"I understand what you mean, but getting a lower grade means you don't know as much as someone who gets a higher grade. Consistently getting lower grades means knowing less."

You really believe that? Please, think again about it :)
Do you know how many people cheat on exams, and how much depends on luck? I may have studied, say, just a single chapter out of a book, while you have studied the whole book except that one chapter. So this chapter comes in the exam and I pass with flying colours while you fail, but in truth, who knows more?

To me this situation was a life lessons, getting to accept my own limits... (not that I learned the lesson quickly, mind you, it took me 4 years)
And especially if you're on the verge of burnout, please, do stop and find yourself again; no exams are worth losing inner peace...

Hirkani - se ne mudi. Ti kar lepo uredi s službo, ko boš pa malo bolj sproščena, bo tudi navdih prišel. :) Te bom spomnila, ampak šele, ko zamenjaš službo. Do takrat imej mir.

Eva - if you had problems with the division of household chores you'd go talk to your guy, right? Most "feminists" start complaining about their guy, but then still go back home and do everything by themselves, because they just can't muster the strength to confront their partner.

For a short while I too, tried to tell women that's not really what feminism is about, but the end result was never satisfacory, since they had the feeling I wanted to forbid them to complain (which I did in a way, saying - you'd better talk to him instead of complain to me). I stopped since.

I guess if people aren't ready, they won't and don't change their views.

Trying to be a man - I won't even go there. :)

Lilit - I've never cheated on exams (OK, I did, but less than 5 times all together.), but I've been quite lucky. So far, I've had the feeling I've recieved grades that were a bit higher than I would have awarded myself. Also, a lot of times I had the feeling, I didn't really master the subject. There's a huge amount of guilt there, it's true. And I guess I rely on the fact that some things have to be repeatedly used for them to be remembered.

I will have to sort it out somehow - at least the guilt and overworking/procrastination issues, because they really hold me back.

I cheated on exams, too, and have been caught a few times, too :( But I admit it's not a really responsible way to face things you're afraid of...
Anyway. I'm probably not the right person to give advice about this, discovering I chose the wrong thing to study just before graduating and then not having the guts to find a job I like but accepting the first one that came along (though I was practically forced into that)... But I think you should keep in mind you're not studying for grades, but because you love medicine. And by working too hard you might have lost the feeling that you enjoy studying the human body.
It's just and idea... you're the one that has to discover what and where went wrong :)

And if it gives you any comfort, 99% of people I know (myself included) got in a major life crisis around 24... choosing the study at 18 was a piece of cake compared to this one ;)

It is interesting that when you get caught cheating in Slovenia not one serious measure follows. I would expell a cheater from the university for one proven cheating attempt.

I've cheated only once: on biology exam in sixth grade.

Marko - at University you sometimes do get punished. I know of a girl who got caught and had to apologize - needless to say, she failed an exam for which she had been studying a month. I'll write more about cheating on the blog. And just for your information: I count a scheating the occasion on which I had a bit of extra information written on a tiny piece of paper. I effectively cheated (meaning that I actually used the information) only twice in my lifetime.

Lilit - you do, however still have time, to find a job you like. I do have in mind that I'm studying because I want to help people and not because of point average. I know fairly well what and where I've done wrong, but the problematic thing is, I've been doing things like that my whole life (overexhaustion).

I'm not too certain I know what you mean by major life crisis, because this is "just" the end result of a series of problems that weren't dealt with properly, but were just brushed aside. I wish I was wiser then, but I can't change the past.