Friday, August 04, 2006

Eternity is brushing your hair when you forget to take your Prozac

"You are what your deep, driving desire is." (supposedly a Hindu proverb)

It is a thought that strengthens me, makes me believe I need not follow the path my parents did; that a different future - a happier, brighter, well-lit, warm place - is destined for me. But every other day - and on rainy days even more - I am reminded that I am a descendant of my parents and that the same blood courses my veins. I might just as well end up like them.

I like to imagine that there is this other myself, a fully formed version of me, who will support me through difficult times, who can carry my full weight and more. Who will tend to me when I can take no more.

The clouds have gathered again and the depression spreads her wings.

Bach was a genius. Chopin knew utter despair.

Whatever I try to do these days seems to take an eternity; whatever I do get done, is far from being well-done. And there's the constant presence of that other, quiet voice, at all times softly whispering in my ear: you can't do it. Those other things were just luck. In reality you don't have it, you never did.

I doubt myself again. I am constantly tired, I have no desire to keep breathing. Some people should never have children.


posted by Nadezhda | 09:24


Anonymous marko said...

When I get depressed, I try to see that as a remainder of my insignificance. No one would have really cared if I suddendly vanished, and the world would go on just fine without me.

But I care and I won't give up so easily.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ola !

I think you should read the book Pot samouresničevanja (Janez Rugelj) if you want to really understand what is going on in your head. Maybe you don't like the author, but the content is really meaningful. And after you can publish a review (I want to know what does so smart girl thing about it).


Blogger Lilit said...

I don't think there's really something you can do. You work hard all the time to feel better and prevent feeling this way and yet this is what you are, you can't erase it.
Maybe you should let yourself feel like this for a couple of days. Maybe it's your inner self telling you to slow down and rest a little bit.
Of course, this f* weather doesn't help much...

Spoil yourself and relax, and don't worry about feeling like this. It will pass.

Blogger Aljoša said...

Ah, depression is nothing but a reasonable reaction to this weather.
Besides the point: in Rome I saw the Two Fridas (that is the name of this painting, right?), and it's majesticly depressive. She must had had her share of bad weather allright

Blogger Nadezhda said...

The thing is: I can't change a thing. And yet it bothers me to see two adults repeat the same pattern over and over again when they know full well that it doesn't work.

I should be doing something which takes lots of energy and concentration and having them argue about irrelevant things, having this wretched weather, being tired all the time, feeling like I'm losing grip on the matter at hand really does nothing to boost my self-esteem. I do know it's just a phase and my bouts of depression are fewer and spread further apart in the last years, but they still are there and at times like these when I should be really focused they are counter-productive.

Marko - I have my boyfriend who's very, very supportive, but the demon, if I may so call it, is in my head and only I can deal with it. I'm not giving up, just - this morning I felt really down and needed to get it out of my system. Sometimes writing about it helps and this time I was lucky.

Anonymous - I've been planning to read that book for a long time, but have not got to it yet. I'm interested in his technique and theory from an intellectual standpoint. I know my problems and I do understand what is going on, just sometimes it is more diffult to bear with it than at other times.

Lilit - thanks for that first paragraph, it really makes me feel like I'm not alone and somebody out there understands how it is. Thank you. It means a lot. The trouble is, I have got to do a lot in these couple of days and you might know that being this slow isn't what I would have wanted right now. I only wish it would pass sooner.

Aljoša - yes, I think that's the right title. Frida certainly had lots of bad weather in her life. I actually think she had a horrible storm every other day.

Blogger Belgothiel said...

Sharing my problem perhaps won't help you with anything but... anyway - when I get depressed I'm really confused because I know I can get over it because that's what I did the last time. The problem is that those moments don't let me remember how I dealth with it.
I need to scream. So, trying not to be impolite I take my guitar and sing. "Sing". Sometimes I scream it out loudly. 4 Non Blondes - What's up, and my favorite part: "And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?"

I wish it wasn't happening to you, to anyone...

Hugs help as well.

Blogger Nadezhda said...

Sharing your problems says that I'm not alone in such a situation and in my experience this is the best way to heal someone. Not being alone when you feel down and desperate is the best cure. Thank you for sharing your experience.

I'm much better now, but whenever I'm not, I can go back and re-read this.

"The problem is that those moments don't let me remember how I dealth with it." This is very true - the problem of despair is that you don't believe you can handle it again, even though you did once or seveal times in the past.

Blogger Bo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Bo said...

(I have problems with posting this comment. Let me repeat myself.)

Hey girl. Are you per chance the one who passed a whole medicine year in one sweep or are there two or more girls who are writing this blog?

But of course you are tired! Real studying is a big thingie, studying medicine only more so. - It's one of the four ground human studies, it didn't make the finals for no reason.

I would so estimate that you are saturated, your vapour'd hit the mark. Let it steam a bit.

The road gleefully waits for people like you.

Blogger Bo said...

(There, it works fine now. The comment before is the same, now erased: Commento eliminato / Questo post è stato eliminato dall'autore.)


Blogger Nadezhda said...

Thanks for your encouragement; I feel loads better now. I'm still busy, but I'll manage somehow. :)

P.S. So where in Italy are you?

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