Wednesday, July 26, 2006

In the news today...

Dearest readers, I have been neglecting you and I apologize. It was not deliberately done, merely an unhappy consequence of having been in lots of pain and having spent an inordinate amount of time driving in a car in the last week.

Presently I have:
1. sore muscles (having spent three hours per day dancing in the last week and that under the gaze of an Italian maitre d'ballet whose only occupation seemed to be correcting the tiniest of mistakes the most talented of dancers - with the bodies I will never ever have - who, if truth be told, were so above average that he needn't have bothered anyway. But rest assured that he DID in fact bother and consequently he gave me a total of two corrections in the whole week. You can imagine that I nearly fainted with pleasure when the said person finally noticed there were other people in his class, too).

2. freshly painted nails (metallic pink!),

3. much catching up to do on the blog,

4. an essay to write about Iris Murdoch,

5. lots of Google searching to do for my research project (the mentor I contacted seemed interested and I'm calling her tomorrow to set a date for our meeting in-person and a more thorough discussion of my plan),

6. a year more than I had a month ago,

7. a pre-paid one-day trip to Venice (to attend with boyfriend),

8. a huge sunflower,

9. a one-week holiday in London to plan for September,

10. an almost empty bank account,

11. NO headache (which is an important achievement seeing as yesterday was the day I realized people complaining of severe headaches were in fact not hypochondriachs, but people who pretend everything is OK and even try to laugh only to find that their headache hasn't abated yet - not having been someone who had trouble with headaches previously, I can only say that it is horrible - to the point where I was seriously contemplating seeing a doctor today if the headache persisted. Occasional headaches were frequent companions of mine for the last month and I realized they occurred when I was too hot and drank too little water; yesterday, however, the headache just wouldn't go away in spite of having drunk an indecent amount of water),

12. a newfound liking for Kiera Knightley's acting abilities (see a forthcoming post about Pride and Prejudice, the film),

13. a newfound respect for the makers of film sequels (Superman returns is plainly too good to be made just for money's sake),

14. a well-paying job that I like doing,

15. a wonderful boyfriend whom I love more deeply and completely than I ever thought I'd love a man,

16. new running attire (3/4 length trousers and two new T-shirts) and

17. still NO new shoes (they sold out the entire stock on the first day of the sales by 16.30 and even if they haven't - they discounted that model for only 8 euros - I bought 2 new lipsticks instead).

I don't have:

1. youth (not trying to be overly nostalgic or depressed, but when I was 15 I imagined that by the time I turn 24 I'll have my own car, a job, a steady relationship - which is the only thing I do have - and if at all possible, my own place to live). Sadly, sans boyfriend, I feel none of these goals are anywhere near the horizon for me. (Maybe, just maybe I should be glad to have boyfriend and forget about what I don't have?) Anyway, when I was younger I thought being twenty-something is really IT, you're really an adult and responsible, you're on your own, successful and all that. As for me, I don't think things have changed much since I was 18. I'm still shy and introverted, which leads people into believing I'm self-conscious; I'm still unsure of myself, I'm still doubting my abilities and still fear driving and dying young. I still fear my beloved ones would die or suffer, and while I know I can hardly do anything to prevent this, it remains one of biggest fears.

2. enough time,

3. the inspiration and time to write the "novel" I've been planning for four year but never wrote beyond the introductory few paragraphs,

4. enough courage to do everything I want to,

5. much suntan, but I never wanted it, so that's all right.

posted by Nadezhda | 12:06


Blogger Lilit said...

I have a car. And a dog.
Can't have it all, I guess ;)

Blogger Nadezhda said...

No, you can't. Or at least that's my favourite excuse. :)

Blogger Bo said...

I am so much seeing forward to devouring the upcoming post about the new Pride and Prejudice film. - I would demand that post, if I could, but I cannot of course, so it stays only as my wish.

My favourite movie quote of last week:

I'm very fond of walking.
- Yes. Yes, I know.

Blogger Nadezhda said...

You'll have your wish granted, then. :) I just can't promise it's today.

Blogger Bo said...

You did it! :)

Superman Returns is also a good film. Why Roger Ebert is so negative about it, I can't understand - his arguments are fuzzy -, still I would like to read his reviews, he is intelligent and educated (as opposed to Harry Knowless for example), however I heard he has some serious health problems - ah yes, an Atkins dieter -, his reviews stopped being published for some time in the near past, I hope he gets better and continue writing about movies. - Lois Lane might have been sad and so she said that the world didn't need Superman, but Roger Ebert I need.

I find this post very personal. You wrote some intimate things I didn't know or think about. I can understand now that although you presented ideas behind the book Čustvena inteligenca - which by the way I read, enjoyed (for it spurred many thoughts), and will publish some of my thoughts about it; will you listen, comment? - with passion on more occasions, your "emotions" are not fully developed yet. But of course they aren't. You are still very young, in your teens practically. You still feel exceptionally capable to me. I think sky high is your limit, with colours flying. I can see now that you're related to the northern lights. :) Janez Rugelj - who I think is very mature, both intellectually and emotionally, despite your points which only some are correct (a determined woman is not the same as a supervising one, the first is a positive personality, the second negative) - for example said that it wasn't up to his 65th birthday that he felt really mature.
Also sorry for patronizing, it was meant well.

Good luck, and good days, despite the actual rain.

Blogger Nadezhda said...

Me and Ebert agree on few occasions. I choose films to watch based mainly on the Rotten Tomatoes aggregated reviews, as I find this to be the most objective way of getting an idea whether the film's good or bad.

I agree with some of the points Ebert raises about Superman, but you've got to take into account that this is 5th rendition of the same plotline and characters. They pulled it off nicely and that's all I wanted to say. I could have been much worse.

I'm not even going to comment on how downright stupid it is for a middle-aged overweight man to undertake an Atkins diet.

How and what led you to believe my emotions are not fully developed yet? (And I'm not - not even for practical purposes - in my teens anymore.)

And I think that emotional maturity as well as one's age should be taken into consideration. One's abilities, possiblities and outlooks on life vary very much with what (s)he can do and achieve. It's understandable that maturity would be cummulative - as one ages (s)he's becoming more mature, but I've met people at 30 who were dealing with the same issues I resolved when I was 16. So who's emotionally more mature?

You have a pleasant day as well.

Blogger Bo said...

You feel mature to me, I really think so, however there were some points you tried to establish in the past that I am not sure them to be correct ... Anyway, I am sure that it's the direction we are headed that is really important, and yours feels right and also inspirational to me. When I think about how much maturer really mature people are from not-so mature ones, I think the absolute difference is in fact small and that there is no need for pessimism.

I wanted to write before but it slipped my mind that I too currently experience the lack of inspiration to do some things well I set myself to do. I neither know the cause nor the cure for this. Bur let's hope for the best. Inspiration, do come back.

Blogger Bo said...

P.S. The cause for the lack of inspiration may just as well be the lack of stressful work. When I am under a lot of load, I am inspired, but I wish for some time off; when the load is gone, puf, the inspiration is also gone. This puzzles me. But the solution may lie in undertaking of some big work.

Blogger Nadezhda said...

You don't think I was correct but you find yourself to be? How can that be? There is no absolute truth, only interpretations that suit someone's ideas about the world better (or not). I never meant to say that I was right and others wrong, just wanted to emphasize (sometimes very violently, perhaps) that there can be several interpretations of one matter. But it is true that I very severely oppose any sort of racial/ethnical/sexual orientation/religious discrimination and prejudice.

I wasn't trying to be pessimistic in my estimation of the differences in emotional maturity between people, just pointing out that the differences are and they can be vast; so saying that I'm emotionally immature is fine, but then what are the people who are older (than I am), but even more emotionally "challenged"?

I, too, am most productive when I need to be, but I am most creative when I have lots of time to spend. I dislike this wretched weather - can't go running or hiking or anything and one so easily grows tired of being indoors all the time. Maybe there's the solution to your lack of inspiration?

Blogger Tess said...

This comment is about a month too late but it's been a craaazy month!

I am nearly 40 and still feel like I have 'my youth'. In fact, I don't really even remember what was in my head at 24...although at 15 I'm sure I was not even thinking far enough ahead with enough detail to say, "I want my own car, plus steady relationship, etc, etc" . I think I just wanted to be happy, and be around to see 24.

I'm sure the crappy weather had a lot to do with bringing you down. I am already thinking that November here is going to be a killer. I think the key is getting up out of the valley every now and again and lifting myself out of the fog and damp. But putting weather aside, you don't have to measure your accomplishments against some invisible yardstick. At this point I believe that life is all about creating relationships and memories, because those are all that last, and are important anyway. But perhaps I can say this more easily, having already had all of the rest of it? But having "all that" comes with it's own load, so it's true that you must be careful what you wish for..

PS: You can always live in your car, so you get a two-fer when you "cross that one off of your list". :-) ha ha

PPS: Bo's comment about stress-free environment as cause for lack of inspiration is right on the mark for me, too.

Blogger Nadezhda said...

Tess - I'm so glad to see you back here! And it's wonderful that you continue posting on your blog. I was looking forward to that! :)

November here is a killer. Usually lots of rain and nightfall at 5 p.m. - it's very depressing. Although last year I found out that running and other physical activity help with that.

Living in my car isn't really what I would wish for, although it's certainly two in one go as far as goals are concerned.

Besides these are not my actual goals, they're what I thought life would be like for me when I reach my current age.

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